So, I always thought I was indestructible. I’ve been through a lot. I saw my mother near death and pulled my siblings through the hard times. I grew up fast and hard. I’ve never really looked back or thought ‘what if’ because without all those times, I wouldn’t be who I am today.
Well, I’ve hit another block in my life and as a result my Father is essentially no longer a part of my life. He’s gone and I want nothing more to do with him. A clean break. Though, It didn’t work out so clean.
For the past month, I’ve been working my butt off for a 4 day performance this weekend. On Thursday, I was doing okay and then Friday rolled around and I started to feel really sluggish. Not to mention, I messed up my routine and almost face planted in front of the audience. I blamed it on jitters, but that’s really when it started to hit me. That night, I hardly had enough energy to cook my dinner. That night, my body started aching so bad that I almost called my mom in tears at 5am to say that I was hurting so bad that I couldn’t sleep.
Saturday comes and I was so tired that I just woke up, did my hair and makeup for the show, and stole those extra minutes after for more sleep. I was so exhausted and out of it when I showed up for the show, I almost told my director I couldn’t perform; But if you know me, I gotta be dying to skip out on a show. I knew I could run my routine. It probably wouldn’t be my best by far, but I’d still make it through. After all, I performed for a month with a dislocated shoulder. I’m tough like that.
As luck would have it, there was a motor malfunction and the show was canceled halfway through. And then I pretty much crashed. Mom had convinced me to come home when I told her about the night before and by the time I got there, I was crying again and hurting all over. I passed out on the couch until she got home and then realized that I was running a fever. Thankfully, Mom took care of me, got my fever down and made me drink loads of tea and nasty stuff that she believes works.
Whatever she did worked because on Sunday I was feeling pretty good at show time, did a decent routine and spent some time with my family. I made it most of the day, right up until I took the kids to Horror Nights and then I started to crumble again. Same symptoms. Headache and body aches. I just felt awful.
Monday, I woke up puking my guts up. Convinced that I needed to be in my own bed to get some decent sleep, I somehow drove home. Which is an hour away. I don’t know how I did it considering how fast I was going downhill from there. I did make it home though, literally stripped my clothes off and passed out in my bed.
I remember very little after that. I know I spiked another fever and I’m pretty sure it was higher than the first one because I was in and out and kept dreaming about weird ass stuff. If I hadn’t been so delirious, I would have called someone. I think I was crying at one point, I really don’t even remember. I did try to eat, but I don’t think I took any more than a few bites before I passed out again. I was so tired and everything hurt so much.
I slept about 17 hours, woke up at 5am and called my friend and asked her to drive me to the ER. From there, I was told that I had the flu (Except that I had no other flu like symptoms?!) and they at long last gave me an IV and some real pain killers that had be blissfully tripping out. I’ve never been high in my life, but after all that stress; I was feeling pretty nice laying there in that bed.
I got out of there like 7 hours later, 100% better compared to how I’d felt the day before. It wasn’t the flu. An IV and Pain killers wouldn’t have cured me of that.
I honestly think stress and life had caused my body to shut down. It just threw it’s hands up and was like, ‘Okay, I’m done with this shit. We are taking a break.”
I’m still recovering. I’m weak and very tired. I can’t even climb the silks well right now. I hate it feeling so pathetic, But I know it’s what my body needs. I haven’t had a break since before Ohio. I’m so used to just pushing through and keeping my head up.
I guess we all need a break sometimes.
My eyes keep leaking when I think about leaving.
What’s up with that?
How ironic is it that I get into my first car accident in a parking lot. It may not entirely have been my fault, so I can try and take solace in that.
My Mom (I was driving her car) doesn’t even need to yell at me because I’m being way harder on myself than she could ever be.
All my Dayglow money is going to cover their repairs. So much for having my ass covered for a potential trip up to Ohio regarding a contract.
When I’m upset, I like to lay facedown on the floor. In the middle of the room.
I don’t know why I find comfort in this, maybe because the ground is always steady and solid.
I just couldn’t bare it anymore.
It was driving me insane.
It was time to let it go.
I gave in and…..
I ordered a new sewing machine!!
I’M SO EXCITED!
I hate being sick.
I can’t do anything, but lie around.
And I feel guilty.
Every time I make tea and let it soak…
I FORGET ABOUT IT
And now it’s cold.
I wish I could reach for my goals without having to worry about something as petty as money.
It makes me feel so selfish and worthless. Just because I’m simply dreaming.